i noticed that i am actually not blogging so much for the sake of leaving my thoughts somewhere so that i may refer to it years later, and chuckle at how immature i used to be back then, and use it as a mirror to improve myself. If i wanted to do that i would have kept a diary. it is so much simpler to write down thoughts on paper than to blog. moreover, as long as u don't have internet access, or googleplex catches fire, you cannot find what you wrote before.

so why am i blogging? i think the reason why i am blogging is to that everyone in the world how smart i think i am, hopefully they look and say, "look, this dude thinks, he's smart." so, sometimes i don't really blog about what i'm really thinking about, for fear of letting other people whacked. Also, sometimes i write so that people would want to read it and see how smart i am. but whatever it is, i don't record my thoughts anywhere else so much.

i guess nobody is really interested in what i have been writing about. but by doing this, it makes me feel as though there is hope that someone comes across and understands what i am thinking. it makes me feel better. but what i really hope to get out of this is that people know me better. so that i can communicate more easily.

tell ya what, i really think that i am quite clever. i am trying so hard in so many ways to give people such an impression, yet at the same time, don't come across as proud and overconfident. but from my so many failures i see that i'm really not as smart as i thought i was. the rjc eureka and nsc really shook me hard. they were so important. about 9 months before nsc, i'm rehearsing what it would be like to win the competition everyday, what it would be like to represent RI and thrash the other schools, and i really studied for that very moment. on the day that we lost in the first round, i was really shell-shocked. on my way home i really felt like crying. i was telling myself "its okay, its just a competition" but i knew in my heart it wasn't! worse still, we are appearing on tv.... everybody would be like "WTF RI sucks like shit! Can't even answer those simple questions!" sigh. we knew the answer, but we were too slow on the buzzer. sounds like excuses, excuses, excuses, but that was what really fucking happened. and i was our fault. we lost at something we could have won and that feeling is even worse. it didn't feel that bad to lose in ACJC because we knew by the end we couldn't win liao. everyone knew that ri's niche was in chemistry and i doubt the organisers themselves could answer the harder chemistry questions (the third hardest question required you to divide by 2, use the pythagoras's theorem 3 times then multiply by 2, then express in nanometres. easy, but not in 20 seconds. the second hardest question the organisers got the answer wrong themselves and the judges had to point that out, and the answer for the hardest question was a 3 page solution for a partial differential equation with 4 variables). the "hardest" maths question was the easiest math question. i guess they compromised on fairness too much for suspense and unpredictability.

you'd say, "yeh yeh, sore loser" but then thats the point. i'm not some noble saint who can look past all these achievements and cast them away as "worldly affairs", i am one who is really really concerned with my image. so of course i'm sore about losing. no one likes to lose, and neither do i.

so yes. if i dispense with all the formalities and hypocrisies i'm really an arrogant bastard who is so proud of my intelligence, that i neglect a lot of the work. i'm so proud of myself, i don't work hard. it seemed to me that the past few years i've been telling myself not to be proud, not to be arrogant, not to be complacent etc. but i failed. all i did was to try to keep it away from others. the balance between hypocrisy and arrogance is putting a lot of pressure on. on one hand i try not to be too hypocritical and seem like i am a humble person when i am far from it, yet on the other hand i'm worried that i come across as arrogant and complacent.

I see that many succeed in balancing it well, by expounding on their achievements and putting others down as a part of friendly humourous conversations that close friends are bound to have. I don't have enough close friends. From what i see, when i try to do that people avoid me, and say things like "yar wad, u very smart". so are people making fun of me, or are they really impressed by me?

i hope someday i can find someone who would talk to me about things that i care about, and joke with me, tease me, and i can tease him back about some other things, without any fear that he may someday leave me because i'm too arrogant and narcisistic.