i had an hypothesis that if you listen to ff music you cannot fall asleep. music like liberi fatali and one winged angel(too exciting) and loss of me and sad piano tune and music box(too sad) and real emotion(too lively) prevent u from dozing off when u play a repetitive game.

i tested it. and i was wrong. i fell asleep all the same. but thats considering it was a wednesday, i took drowsy pills, had a good dinner, and was mugging calculus. i think if u do all that there is no way u carn sleep unless u tie your hair to the ceiling.

so i was wrong. i had really queer dreams though. i dreamt that there is an mrt line that cuts from the live firing area all the way to bugis. this means that the entire singapore is mrt linked. somehow, there never seemed to be bright daylight... at noon the ambience was like 7.30 in the morning, then other times it felt like dusk.

so in th dream i dunno why but i felt like some idiot in ff9, running around aimlessly trying to find something but to no avail. the dream lasted for a month, but o boy when i woke up only an hour has passed... i felt even more tired when i woke up, but couldn't sleep....

so one week later in real life... which was yesterday, i tried the experiment again. sure enough i got really long weird dreams this time and i remember it clearly.

i got back into the same scenario as before. but for strange reasons, i had to go to a place that only mrt can go to. so i took mrt with timo and richard. i changed train to go the western-most station in singapore (it had a much more exotic name than boon lay, i forgot what), there i met timo and richard who told me they were going to the same place as well. as usual, i fell asleep. then i fell asleep, then woke up to find that i was in a place called alaska(an mrt station, btw), which was kinda cold, and was strangely the terminal station on the different line. then i took a taxi back to the interchange and saw timo and richard there giggling. then i took the same train again, making sure i did not fall asleep, and was constantly chatting with them. then just before i reached the destination, they disappeared again and i found myself in alaska. brr. i froze and woke up.

then i found myself in a freezing cold classroom. the teacher was teaching a lesson thats b4 reccess. luckily she didn't notice me, and when we were dismissed she pulled me aside and told me to hand up my work. i said i'll hand up tomolo then i rushed to canteen. on the way i said hi to lois. then i met 2 basketballers who joined mr tan's club. one guy swept the other and he fell. then he haraied me on concrete ground and i flew, but when i landed i did not get injured. but when i woke up i found mrs chan sc staring at me. then we were sent to the office.

then i found myself in a queer luxurious place. i was told by lock hong quan that if i buy something for him he asks for i get access to the funky big place. so i told him about my predicament and he said, "if you wonder if you are in a dream, hold your breath. if you dun find urself getting breathless, you're dreaming. to get out of the dream, hold your breath longer." just like alice in wonderland, it sounded logical. then i asked, "wouldn't i die if i do that?" "true, but your brain will die, then you'll be unable to have dreams and thus u'll have escaped from it." coolio. so, he asked for something that can only be found in a place reachable by bus. but i had no money, so i asked him for some, and he gave.

then, i boarded a bus, and noticed the raffles judokas and primary school chiobus were also in it. it was a really long ride. somehow, i forgot the 'quest' and spent the money screwing around, late finding out that i had just enuff money to buy the stuff i needed to get. so without thinking, i bought the stuff and had no money to go back. so i had to walk back. when i found lock hong quan, he accepted the item and allowed me access to the place. then my roommate found out about my predicament, he said, "noob, you should have gone to the casino to gamble to get money to come back." huh? i asked, "what if i lose?" "then hold your breath, go back to the save point and gamble until you win. thats what i did." i was like WTF???

then i woke up.

to find myself in my bed. finally.

i checked the clock. 3 hours have passed. it was a 4 day long dream....

moral of the nonsense story is, if you want to wake up feeling fresh and energetic, turn off FF music before you sleep.

probably the only thing i gained was that i got to see what the primary school chiobus look like in my imagination.

it later occurred to me, my dreams reflect what i am thinking of. this time, my dreams tell me about my fears. in my train dream: fear of loneliness. in my school dream: fear of disciplinary actions. in my funny quest dream: fear of having no direction in life.

i notice that my fear of darkness, my fear of heights, my fear of pain etc. were not reflected in my dream, no matter how hard i try to recall.

indeed. i am lonely. i have deadlines to meet. and i have no ambition. and it is all within my control.

but i am still scared. too many a time i want to find someone to talk to...but they dun seem to want to. those who want to, it is either they put me up too high, or they put me down too low. i have much to say about my interest in electronics. i am hopeless in soccer and games. but people of my age dun seem to share this with me. huang lu seems to be more concerned with the pracitcal side of electronic, while i'm more theoritical. alwyn seems to be more concerned with the theoritical side(which i think is far too technical for me to derive) of universal physics, while i'm more concerned with the classical side. the jcs patronise me for my lack of understanding in their respective specialised fields, the teachers probably think i'm arrogant and show-off for querying the oversimplification i suspect of.

i fell lonely, even though there are people i'm talking to, playing with and chatting to all along. but somehow, i feel i have to falsify something in order to live. deep down, i'm a humble show-off, something that sounds contradicting, but its what describes me.

hah. passion for science. indeed. its just something for me to show off. its the only thing i can be good at, the only thing i can show off. i wouldn't want to let go that my only source of pride so easily. this is not easy in ri. everyone is smart. you give him a formula and 2 days to figure out, he will. there are 100+ geps. they are fucking clever. give him two formulae, 1 week to figure out, and he'll understand it better than you and tell you the practical significance them when combined.

i sound arrogant. thats because i am. maybe it's wrong, but thats me.

so people ask me, "so your ambition is to be a scientist, eh?" i really have no idea. i have no ambition. so why should i do my homework?

perhaps that sounds lame. i dunno. but thats what i think.

nobody would find it impressive if you get good marks for CA, seriously. people who copy dishearten me. perhaps i'm not honest, but i don't copy. i've never copy unless the subject rep force me to. i'll rather get zero than copy. copiers get gpa 3.4. they get gpa 3 if they sleep through their cts.

i'm not opressed.

but i'm not free either.

i'm lonely.