While I'm still in a good mood, I should send a message to my future self. Which might just turn out to be significant. Or serve as an important element to a plot. Or become a Deus ex Machina in a lousy story. Or whatever.
_________
Hi there. Everything's looking pretty fine here. I'm not sure what you're going through right now, but I tell'ya. Questions about who you are, what you will become, and all the emotions you are going through now? My guess is, I've probably thought about those and felt the same things before too. And even after going through all that, I'm still pretty fine! All those memories before 21, I have'em too, and I remember them better than you do. If you wanna angst about anything that happened before you were 21, I suppose I'm in a pretty good position to tell you that there is absolutely no objectively good reason to do so.
Then again, I'm not going through what you are going through, and there might be new light shed on the context of those memories, so you might be thinking "Yeh right this guy's talking through his hat." That might be true. But there are things that only I can help you with; that I and only I can tell you; that just doesn't sound the same coming from anyone else. Condition: no questions. So I talk, and you listen, okay? You can't argue back. MUAHAHAHA. Gosh I love this and I should probably do this more often.
There is usually no objectively good reason for you to feel sad or to feel happy. You can identify the source of the happiness or sadness, and try to savour the goodness or solve the problem. But if you can't solve the problem, you have to live with it. You could confide in people you trust - that might help you feel better, but there's no guarantee. Yeh that's kinda shitty, I know. But even when the situation looks bleak, it would either eventually turn out for the better or you learn to look at things differently. I might not have gone through the same things as you, but I have faith that you can go through this period of sadness and emerge as a stronger person. Although this kind of stuff is usually said by other people, but I think it might also be appropriate for me to say that it's not your achievements who define who you are. You and I are defined by how we feel, what we recall and what we do when things happen to us. So even if you are in really bad shape now, I will not look down on you.
If you are depressed, you might want to go and see a doctor. Take my word for it that your 21 year old self wouldn't look down on you for it. I'll give you financial support (though that's kinda like a given).
Oh, and all these while I've been assuming that I won't do well in the future! Actually, I think the future looks pretty good! So I'm quite confident that you're actually doing quite well. If that's the case, congrats! If you want to do me a favour though, you could tell me the TOTO combi for this Sunday! Then I wouldn't have to fret over financial aid. Oh wait, you can't talk to me. Damn.
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Imagine writing an SAT 1 guidebook for NSFs.
"Wah lao, that cantankerous RSM today sibeh guai lan, anyhow give extra."
"That chiobu at 3 o'clock, her pulchritude damn up sia!"
"My buddy got this vexatious habit of snoring at night, blardy annoying."
"The downpour had inundated those suai kia's half-dug fire trenches with mud, hence they had to semula."
"He chao keng so often, even his histrionics wun convince the MO to let him down pes."
"The safety vehicle parked ominously in Delta Wing line at 11pm foreshadowed a turn-out."
"Dun eat canteen already, the cookhouse satay rice today is an epicurian delight!"
Suggestions are welcomed.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
SYPT is over. While I'm really happy that all four teams from RI have won the competition, reading the blog of a participant who has lost reminded me that there is always another side of things. I remember that throughout the preparation phase, whenever we hit an obstacle, we would remind ourselves: if even RI, with so much talent, school support and resources, cannot do this well, which other school can? As it turned out, we were right. All those factors greatly contributed to RI's victory. But it did make me think a little bit about how fair it all was.
Don't get me wrong. All four teams from RI deserved to win. The members were really smart, motivated and hardworking. They spent months thinking, number crunching, experimenting and rehearsing to make sure that they could put up a good fight no matter what. Which they did. It was clear that they were vastly superior to all other teams, and for some problems they even approached international standards. Yet, how are we to know that the members from other schools are not equally, if not more smart, motivated and hardworking than the RI team? By distributing resources to maximise the potential of a select group, are we burying other talents?
I understand that as a result of my interference or non-interference, there were only two possible ways things could go. Either that the RI teams maximise their potential and pwn the SYPT convincingly, while in the process improving Singapore's performance at IYPT, or that the RI teams don't become as strong, stand a good chance at winning the SYPT anyway since they are more experienced, and eventually become part of a pretty good team at IYPT. So, it seems that my interference could only have been for the better.
Still, it reminds me of the time when I gave tuition to my cousin's son. Although I was only meant to teach him N level physics chem and math, I liked to teach him extra stuff. I taught him how to make bots in Maplestory using AutoIt, and he got excited at programming. For the next week, he was bugging me to fix his code, but since I was busy then, he figured out what was wrong and managed to make a somewhat functional fishing bot for Runescape. He tried to learn Basic from online tutorials, but didn't know where to get an development kit, and had nobody to teach him. Because RI taught programming to everyone and had really good teachers and resources for it, I assumed that it would be the same for his school, and asked him to approach his school's computer studies teacher for help. It turns out that his school didn't teach that. I asked if he could approach his school's IT department personnel and just ask for help as a form of personal request, but it turns out that the IT department in his school was just an AV department and the people there didn't know programming. He struggled with learning Basic for about another week or so, but could not sustain it.
I thought that was rather wasted because I'm sure that if a Rafflesian had an interest in programming similarly sparked, he wouldn't have needed to go through so much trouble to get proper guidance. Granted, if he was sufficiently passionate about programming, he would have been able to learn it anyway, but it somehow strikes me as unfair that someone should be disadvantaged in learning stuff just because he has scored lower in PSLE four years ago. In fact, I think that because they are not as good in academics, all the more they should be allowed to explore other interests.
I know, saying that other schools get less resources is just another way of saying that RI gets more resources. There are only so many amazing teachers like Mr Mark Wee in Singapore, and it kinda makes sense that more resources are given to people who can learn better and faster. But still, the inequality in opportunities just makes me feel that it is somewhat unfair.
In the case of RGS SYPT teams not getting school support, I think that's just myopia on the school's part. It's pretty sad for the participants, really.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
"Be yourself" may not be a good advice, it is nevertheless helpful to say it, but only if you really mean it.
Perhaps, people generally have a somewhat stable "self" that they revert to when they are not under stressful conditions. I know, I can hang around with a bunch of people for an afternoon, but I can't do that day after day. Perhaps, that's what is meant by "character is who you are when nobody's watching"; it is the equilibrium position, the position that requires minimal effort to sustain. And change requires a great deal of external effort, because it is very tempting to revert back to old habits.
So why do people want to change themselves if it requires so much effort to do so? Perhaps it's because they are placed in stressful situations so often that they forget who they normally are or what they would like to do. It is not too unlikely actually, since there are so many other things to think about. Another possibility, which I think sounds more plausible, is that they want to avoid being stressed by adapting to the stress. Some forms of stress are caused by a lack of ability, and these can be relieved by honing these abilities. For instance, studying is a way to relieve academic stress. And for me, honing social abilities was a way to relieve this stress.
I admit that for a large part of my life I have tried to avoid stressful situations by avoiding stressful situations, but I guess army really forced me to change because I was with people all the time and I realised how relationships are important. I went out with people more often. I initiated conversations with new people. Stuff that are slightly out of my comfort zone. But being forced into stressful situations is not enough to change. I needed to know how to change.
I started small. I remembered the awkward situation when I offered someone tissue when he was still eating. That guy said it was ok, but I still felt bad. So the next time, I remembered when to offer tissue, which logically was after one have finished his/her food, right? That didn't come naturally to me. And I did so until it became natural. This small gesture took me a bit of practice. Then, one another occasion when I was eating with someone, he kept his tissue right away after he finished his food, then he offered me his tissue, looking a little sheepish. I thanked him, but at that point I realised that during that awkward situation, that guy probably really meant it when he said "it's ok."
So perhaps people are actually quite forgiving, but sometimes I can't help but feel that someone else looks a little awkward doing something. And I would ask myself if I seemed like that. I guess there are certain body postures or gestures that convey a certain message about yourself, and some of them just leave a bad impression. And I found myself looking at glass panes more often. Self-consciousness ensues. But generally, I've found that keeping your back straight and not looking down gives a better posture. (And I gotta admit, all that military drills helped a little.) But actually, I realise that while slouching is bad posture and may not leave a good first impression, after a while when you know a person's work ethic, you don't notice the slouching any more.
Then there are little little things. My mother sometimes told me, "When someone is talking to you, look at him in the eye." I guess it made me look distracted. I practised. So now, by default, I would look at a person in the right eye whenever I talk to someone. (It's always the right eye because I practised with that and now I'm used to it.) But now you don't really know if I'm listening to what you are saying, I don't see myself becoming more attentive to what people are saying anyway, so that kinda defeats the purpose of the exercise.
I have no idea if this works, but I'm taking more notice of my own and others' body posture. Plunging myself into various awkward scenarios gave me plenty of practice. I notice how I feel, I notice what I look like, and I try to adjust to something that looks more natural. Ok, it was hard the first time, so at some other occasion I tried to notice how I feel in a natural setting, and I'd replicate that. So after a while, I kinda related my posture to my feelings, and I extrapolate it to other people. I'm not sure if it works, but I guess it gives me a kinda indication of whether someone is feeling awkward in my presence, or whether I have made a mistake or something. Generally, it seems that people don't notice my mistakes as often as I used to think they do. Maybe it's not a mistake after all.
There are other small little things like how to behave in a mall, which required some practice too, but the general thing I found out is that, people don't really notice or care about your mistakes very much, and nobody is really sure of what the right thing to do is.
I suppose most people probably went through this self-conscious phase like 7 years before I did, but I probably entered it with a somewhat different perspective. It kinda helps to have read some books, and I guess KI was a good primer to them. This journey of being self-conscious and realising that actually I need not be so worried after all is probably trivial and commonplace, but I think it has been rather significant to me. This experience has told me that being myself doesn't necessarily entail feeling awkward all the time. It has given me the reason to have faith that I'm okay.
"Be yourself." probably means "I think that you are fine the way you are". It is comforting to hear it from people who matter to you, because it is a strong expression of approval - that I have either changed enough, or that I never really needed to be so concerned after all. But say it only if you really mean it, because being yourself is not easy when the self is under so much pressure to change.
Perhaps, people generally have a somewhat stable "self" that they revert to when they are not under stressful conditions. I know, I can hang around with a bunch of people for an afternoon, but I can't do that day after day. Perhaps, that's what is meant by "character is who you are when nobody's watching"; it is the equilibrium position, the position that requires minimal effort to sustain. And change requires a great deal of external effort, because it is very tempting to revert back to old habits.
So why do people want to change themselves if it requires so much effort to do so? Perhaps it's because they are placed in stressful situations so often that they forget who they normally are or what they would like to do. It is not too unlikely actually, since there are so many other things to think about. Another possibility, which I think sounds more plausible, is that they want to avoid being stressed by adapting to the stress. Some forms of stress are caused by a lack of ability, and these can be relieved by honing these abilities. For instance, studying is a way to relieve academic stress. And for me, honing social abilities was a way to relieve this stress.
I admit that for a large part of my life I have tried to avoid stressful situations by avoiding stressful situations, but I guess army really forced me to change because I was with people all the time and I realised how relationships are important. I went out with people more often. I initiated conversations with new people. Stuff that are slightly out of my comfort zone. But being forced into stressful situations is not enough to change. I needed to know how to change.
I started small. I remembered the awkward situation when I offered someone tissue when he was still eating. That guy said it was ok, but I still felt bad. So the next time, I remembered when to offer tissue, which logically was after one have finished his/her food, right? That didn't come naturally to me. And I did so until it became natural. This small gesture took me a bit of practice. Then, one another occasion when I was eating with someone, he kept his tissue right away after he finished his food, then he offered me his tissue, looking a little sheepish. I thanked him, but at that point I realised that during that awkward situation, that guy probably really meant it when he said "it's ok."
So perhaps people are actually quite forgiving, but sometimes I can't help but feel that someone else looks a little awkward doing something. And I would ask myself if I seemed like that. I guess there are certain body postures or gestures that convey a certain message about yourself, and some of them just leave a bad impression. And I found myself looking at glass panes more often. Self-consciousness ensues. But generally, I've found that keeping your back straight and not looking down gives a better posture. (And I gotta admit, all that military drills helped a little.) But actually, I realise that while slouching is bad posture and may not leave a good first impression, after a while when you know a person's work ethic, you don't notice the slouching any more.
Then there are little little things. My mother sometimes told me, "When someone is talking to you, look at him in the eye." I guess it made me look distracted. I practised. So now, by default, I would look at a person in the right eye whenever I talk to someone. (It's always the right eye because I practised with that and now I'm used to it.) But now you don't really know if I'm listening to what you are saying, I don't see myself becoming more attentive to what people are saying anyway, so that kinda defeats the purpose of the exercise.
I have no idea if this works, but I'm taking more notice of my own and others' body posture. Plunging myself into various awkward scenarios gave me plenty of practice. I notice how I feel, I notice what I look like, and I try to adjust to something that looks more natural. Ok, it was hard the first time, so at some other occasion I tried to notice how I feel in a natural setting, and I'd replicate that. So after a while, I kinda related my posture to my feelings, and I extrapolate it to other people. I'm not sure if it works, but I guess it gives me a kinda indication of whether someone is feeling awkward in my presence, or whether I have made a mistake or something. Generally, it seems that people don't notice my mistakes as often as I used to think they do. Maybe it's not a mistake after all.
There are other small little things like how to behave in a mall, which required some practice too, but the general thing I found out is that, people don't really notice or care about your mistakes very much, and nobody is really sure of what the right thing to do is.
I suppose most people probably went through this self-conscious phase like 7 years before I did, but I probably entered it with a somewhat different perspective. It kinda helps to have read some books, and I guess KI was a good primer to them. This journey of being self-conscious and realising that actually I need not be so worried after all is probably trivial and commonplace, but I think it has been rather significant to me. This experience has told me that being myself doesn't necessarily entail feeling awkward all the time. It has given me the reason to have faith that I'm okay.
"Be yourself." probably means "I think that you are fine the way you are". It is comforting to hear it from people who matter to you, because it is a strong expression of approval - that I have either changed enough, or that I never really needed to be so concerned after all. But say it only if you really mean it, because being yourself is not easy when the self is under so much pressure to change.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Random:
I shall try substituting choice words from the titles of the books on my book shelf with "your mom", and see how things go.
Your Mom lectures Physics
The Man who mistook His Wife for Your Mom
An Anthropologist on Your Mom
Notes from an Even Smaller Mom
Your Mom and Freedom
The Joy of Your Mom
The New Adventures of Army Moms
Freaknomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Your Mom
Harry Potter and the Order of Your Mom
Snow Falling on Your Mom
Brave New Mom
Money for Your Mom
On the Shoulders of Your Mom
Alice in Your Mom
The Tipping Point: How Your Mom makes a big difference
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Obligatory ORD reflection (albeit somewhat late)
MY FIRST BLOG POST AS A CIVILIAN(NSMAN)!
Before I enlisted, I wrote some stuff.
I'm hoping to take the two years in army as a chance to learn as much as possible. Although I wouldn't expect NS to be a bed of roses, I'm sure that it would be an enriching and enlightening experience. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
And indeed it has been! How do I even begin? Let me first start off with enlistment. I enlisted with absolutely no expectations at all. No, wait, I expected it to be like RI Sec 1 orientation camp, which wasn't reasonable, and the PSLs(who themselves haven't been in army anyway) constantly told us that army would be worse. Now I'm not saying that they were lying or scaring us. What they said was probably true, because army AT THAT POINT IN TIME could have been less reasonable.
So I had a lot of imaginary fear that the commanders would anyhow tekan us for the slightest reason, and I think it screwed up my BMT recruit experience in a number of ways. Anyhow, I wasn't being a douchebag to anyone, so it was fine. I was pretty proactive and hardworking. And super uptight. For not much reason.
During BMT, I discovered that determination can only bring you so far. In my mind I wanted to believe that I can act altruistically, and most of the time I did behave like a "virtuous recruit", if there is such a term. I would pick up rubbish on the floor even if no one was around. I would clean the toilet if the previous guy who used it stained it. I would help people to fill their bottles during the rest times during route marches. Not remarkable or outstanding, but sometimes it required inner strength when I felt that I was doing more than my fair share, and someone else kept complaining about it.
I reached my threshold of "shit-tanking" during route march. For a bit of context, route marches are when you wear all your infantry gear with weapon and field pack and walk in a file for a certain distance, say 16km. You walk 4 km in about 45 minutes, then you get to rest for 15 minutes. During this 15 minutes you need to drink water, and after drinking you need to refill your bottle. Water refills are given in 19 litre jerry cans, and we found that the most efficient method is to get 4 guys to fill the bottles for everyone, while they all rested. People filling the bottles have to squat or kneel for almost the entire 15 minutes, so their legs don't get as much rest(which matters).
Now in the BMT platoon there are about 40 to 50 people, so you would expect that if everyone got their fair share of work, each person would only be filling bottles 10% of the time, right? But during the 16km march, I filled bottles after the first 4km, and also after the 8th km because I happened to be in the front row. At the 12 km I still happened to be in the front row with a jerry can in front on me, and everyone just passed their bottles forward. I asked if anyone hadn't filled bottles before, but nobody admitted. As the bottles accumulated in front of me I became "obliged" to fill the bottles, and I grudgingly filled them anyway. I was pretty sore after that, so for the 24 km march I didn't volunteer to fill the bottles at any interval.
The whole point of the story is: I was not longer the "virtuous man" when I was tired and blistered and aching, and I made a big deal about something like filling bottles, which normally wouldn't have mattered.
OCS Service term when when I started to feel that unreasonable expectations started coming in. Of course, there were all the recruit expectation: Your bunk had to be always clean. You must not talk in a file. But in BMT it was easier to manage, because there is usually 15 minutes reaction time from bunk to ground floor. In service term, you have about 2 to 5 minutes to react to anything. Maybe it's for a lesson. Maybe someone wants to talk to us. Maybe someone did something wrong and everyone's getting punished for it. At the same time our bunks were supposed to be clean, our drying yards tidy, and we cannot talk in a file just to find out what the hell was going on.
Well, supposed to be. Actually, many people didn't care. Lots of people took the risk and left their bunks in whatever state it was in. Occasionally people talked in a file, and generally got away with it because nobody was looking. Perhaps because I missed a lot of in-file convos, I was kinda outcasted in service term. I don't exactly remember the circumstances, but I did recall that often there were so many requirements on us, we had no choice but to cut corners somewhere. And when the instructors chose to inspect something and found that it wasn't done by everyone, it's usually "How come they can do this and you cannot? You special is it?" There is no telling what they would choose to inspect.
Then, I thought I had learnt a lesson: Sometimes rules have to be broken. Now as I reflect upon it further, I realise that there was actually no lesson to be learnt. The instructors just didn't know that it was too much for us, so no matter what, someone was going to get punished for cutting corners and it's nobody's fault. Or perhaps, the actual meta-lesson is: Shit happens. Get over it.
I wasn't a good cadet during service term. I was quite blur and less fit than most people in OCS, so lots of people helped me along, but it was both a physically and mentally tough period especially since I didn't have the social support or "friendships forged with fire" that many people claimed to have gotten during OCS. It's not that I didn't try, but my interests just don't overlap with many people's. My obsession with not talking in a file didn't help much. I'm really glad to be able to make it through that period.
On one occassion, the whole wing got punished for something I can't remember. After the punishment, the wing commander gathered us around him, and asked, "All of you close your eyes."
And we did.
"How many of you felt that something wasn't right? Raise your hands."
(I didn't feel that anything was wrong, so I didn't raise my hand.)
"Now open your eyes."
About 10-20% of the wing raised their hands.
I can't remember what the wing commander said after that, but the image and message was stuck deeply in me: Voicing out against the status quo is particularly difficult, because it often seems that you are alone and powerless. But you might actually be voicing out what other people are also thinking. If you have a good reason to voice something out, chances are someone else would agree with you, and even if nobody agrees with you, you have done nothing wrong.
Next I became a combat engineer officer cadet in pro term! It was somewhat better than service term, since it required more brain cells. In service term, after booking out I just wanted to sleep, nurse my injuries and talk to people before dragging my blistered feet to SAFTI MI. During pro term however, I actually had enough energy to read some books, which is pretty nice.
But there were also some selfish people. During pro term, we had to serve guard duty, and some of us are given weekend duties. Sundays and Saturdays are considered by the system to be equivalent, but actually, you stay in camp for half a day more when you do Saturday duty than Sunday duty, so people usually prefer Sunday duty. For that weekend, I had the fortune to be scheduled Sunday duty. But someone who was scheduled Saturday duty on that day had a prize presentation ceremony, and he asked me to swap with him. I did realise that it meant that I had to stay 6 hours more in camp if I swapped with him, but I figured that even if I rejected it, he would still ask someone else, and that person would kena also, so might as well I take it.
So I did. When I did the Saturday duty, @@ mentioned, "Eh, I thought && is supposed to do today's duty? How come you do?"
I replied, "Orh, because he got something on today, so I swapped with him."
@@: "You dunno that Saturday duty you do half a day more? You tio chiak by && alrd."
Me: "It's ok lah, since that thing is important to him he'll ask someone else anyway, then that person will still have to swap with him what."
@@: "Wah you really like to do Saturday duty one ah. First time hear." (By then I was pretty pissed off)
haoyi: "That's because not all people just think only for themselves."
That was really encouraging for me, because yes, technically my argument for accepting the swap was based on maximising net utility for all, but actually accepting the swap meant that I, of all the other people doing Sunday duty, had to be the one who sacrifices half a day at home for some goddamned principle. And knowing that someone else believes in it too made me feel that I wasn't being an idiot. I will find the chance to pay it forward when I can.
That's of course not to say that I'll always follow what other people believe is right. But I think inside all of us, we have some idea of what is the right thing to do, but when action towards that principle comes at a cost of some personal sacrifice another voice tells us "why are you doing this? how does it benefit you? why must it be you and not someone else? is it really worth it?" At this point, external encouragement makes a difference because it lends credibility to the internal assertation that "yes, it is worth it, because this is the correct principle to follow."
After commissioning, I became a secretary for Army Open House. I was really busy, but it was really a satisfying job, because I was in a position where if I don't do anything, other people would be a lot more busy. I started to see the merits of delegation and the importance of proper tasking. I was exposed to a little bit of office politics. I saw the purpose of organisational charts, meetings, agendas, timelines, presentations, minutes, and forms. Now as I take a step back, I find it really breathetaking how the Chairman's vision unfolded with every Exco meeting and finally came to fruition at the Army Open House itself.
So those are some of the enriching and enlightening experiences at army.
Hopefully, by being exposed to people from different strata in the society, I can gain a broader perspective of things. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
The places I'm posted to are still pretty sheltered, so I can't say much. It is still a more diverse set of people than RJ though, so I can't say I learnt nothing either.
I agree that life in the military is not something everyone wants to experience, but then again, it's not something everyone gets to experience.- Yak @ 10 Jan 08
Go for the next Army Open House in 2011. Singapore Combat Engineers have set the bar really high this time round, so I'm pretty sure you'll get to do lots of cool stuff there by then.
We would go to university in the same year as Koh Zheng Ning!!! Doesn't that alone worth 2% of your lifespan? - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
OH YA HOR!
Hanging around with a new bunch of people is going to be a test of my social skills yet again. I shall try to do better than I have done before. If I succeed, it could be rewarding. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
I figured that maybe it's not so much of a lack of social skills than the fact that I'm really just not interested in talking about what most people are interested in talking about and I'm not interested in doing what most people are interested in doing? I'm sure the average popular guy would be in awkward silence in a party full of, say, Star Trek fans (I'm sure I would be too, LOL). Of course, socialising is not a choice for me because I need to know some people just in case, y'know, I need them one day, but it also doesn't mean that if I don't enjoy their company then something is wrong with me.
Maybe I'm still young and idealistic. NS has a proven track record for turning people into cynics, but well, at least if I do, when I read this post again, I get to laugh at myself! - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
In fact, army has made me even more idealistic! (though not more young) Actually, a lot of people cynnical about the army were already cynical from the start.
And I'm really glad that I gave myself a set of goals and perspectives for NS before I enlisted, so that it is easier for me to make a post ORD reflection, and has helped to make my NS journey one that is more meaningful than it has already been. Thank you Yak @ 10 Jan 08!
You're welcome. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
Wait... WHAT?!
just kidding.
MY FIRST BLOG POST AS A CIVILIAN(NSMAN)!
Before I enlisted, I wrote some stuff.
I'm hoping to take the two years in army as a chance to learn as much as possible. Although I wouldn't expect NS to be a bed of roses, I'm sure that it would be an enriching and enlightening experience. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
And indeed it has been! How do I even begin? Let me first start off with enlistment. I enlisted with absolutely no expectations at all. No, wait, I expected it to be like RI Sec 1 orientation camp, which wasn't reasonable, and the PSLs(who themselves haven't been in army anyway) constantly told us that army would be worse. Now I'm not saying that they were lying or scaring us. What they said was probably true, because army AT THAT POINT IN TIME could have been less reasonable.
So I had a lot of imaginary fear that the commanders would anyhow tekan us for the slightest reason, and I think it screwed up my BMT recruit experience in a number of ways. Anyhow, I wasn't being a douchebag to anyone, so it was fine. I was pretty proactive and hardworking. And super uptight. For not much reason.
During BMT, I discovered that determination can only bring you so far. In my mind I wanted to believe that I can act altruistically, and most of the time I did behave like a "virtuous recruit", if there is such a term. I would pick up rubbish on the floor even if no one was around. I would clean the toilet if the previous guy who used it stained it. I would help people to fill their bottles during the rest times during route marches. Not remarkable or outstanding, but sometimes it required inner strength when I felt that I was doing more than my fair share, and someone else kept complaining about it.
I reached my threshold of "shit-tanking" during route march. For a bit of context, route marches are when you wear all your infantry gear with weapon and field pack and walk in a file for a certain distance, say 16km. You walk 4 km in about 45 minutes, then you get to rest for 15 minutes. During this 15 minutes you need to drink water, and after drinking you need to refill your bottle. Water refills are given in 19 litre jerry cans, and we found that the most efficient method is to get 4 guys to fill the bottles for everyone, while they all rested. People filling the bottles have to squat or kneel for almost the entire 15 minutes, so their legs don't get as much rest(which matters).
Now in the BMT platoon there are about 40 to 50 people, so you would expect that if everyone got their fair share of work, each person would only be filling bottles 10% of the time, right? But during the 16km march, I filled bottles after the first 4km, and also after the 8th km because I happened to be in the front row. At the 12 km I still happened to be in the front row with a jerry can in front on me, and everyone just passed their bottles forward. I asked if anyone hadn't filled bottles before, but nobody admitted. As the bottles accumulated in front of me I became "obliged" to fill the bottles, and I grudgingly filled them anyway. I was pretty sore after that, so for the 24 km march I didn't volunteer to fill the bottles at any interval.
The whole point of the story is: I was not longer the "virtuous man" when I was tired and blistered and aching, and I made a big deal about something like filling bottles, which normally wouldn't have mattered.
OCS Service term when when I started to feel that unreasonable expectations started coming in. Of course, there were all the recruit expectation: Your bunk had to be always clean. You must not talk in a file. But in BMT it was easier to manage, because there is usually 15 minutes reaction time from bunk to ground floor. In service term, you have about 2 to 5 minutes to react to anything. Maybe it's for a lesson. Maybe someone wants to talk to us. Maybe someone did something wrong and everyone's getting punished for it. At the same time our bunks were supposed to be clean, our drying yards tidy, and we cannot talk in a file just to find out what the hell was going on.
Well, supposed to be. Actually, many people didn't care. Lots of people took the risk and left their bunks in whatever state it was in. Occasionally people talked in a file, and generally got away with it because nobody was looking. Perhaps because I missed a lot of in-file convos, I was kinda outcasted in service term. I don't exactly remember the circumstances, but I did recall that often there were so many requirements on us, we had no choice but to cut corners somewhere. And when the instructors chose to inspect something and found that it wasn't done by everyone, it's usually "How come they can do this and you cannot? You special is it?" There is no telling what they would choose to inspect.
Then, I thought I had learnt a lesson: Sometimes rules have to be broken. Now as I reflect upon it further, I realise that there was actually no lesson to be learnt. The instructors just didn't know that it was too much for us, so no matter what, someone was going to get punished for cutting corners and it's nobody's fault. Or perhaps, the actual meta-lesson is: Shit happens. Get over it.
I wasn't a good cadet during service term. I was quite blur and less fit than most people in OCS, so lots of people helped me along, but it was both a physically and mentally tough period especially since I didn't have the social support or "friendships forged with fire" that many people claimed to have gotten during OCS. It's not that I didn't try, but my interests just don't overlap with many people's. My obsession with not talking in a file didn't help much. I'm really glad to be able to make it through that period.
On one occassion, the whole wing got punished for something I can't remember. After the punishment, the wing commander gathered us around him, and asked, "All of you close your eyes."
And we did.
"How many of you felt that something wasn't right? Raise your hands."
(I didn't feel that anything was wrong, so I didn't raise my hand.)
"Now open your eyes."
About 10-20% of the wing raised their hands.
I can't remember what the wing commander said after that, but the image and message was stuck deeply in me: Voicing out against the status quo is particularly difficult, because it often seems that you are alone and powerless. But you might actually be voicing out what other people are also thinking. If you have a good reason to voice something out, chances are someone else would agree with you, and even if nobody agrees with you, you have done nothing wrong.
Next I became a combat engineer officer cadet in pro term! It was somewhat better than service term, since it required more brain cells. In service term, after booking out I just wanted to sleep, nurse my injuries and talk to people before dragging my blistered feet to SAFTI MI. During pro term however, I actually had enough energy to read some books, which is pretty nice.
But there were also some selfish people. During pro term, we had to serve guard duty, and some of us are given weekend duties. Sundays and Saturdays are considered by the system to be equivalent, but actually, you stay in camp for half a day more when you do Saturday duty than Sunday duty, so people usually prefer Sunday duty. For that weekend, I had the fortune to be scheduled Sunday duty. But someone who was scheduled Saturday duty on that day had a prize presentation ceremony, and he asked me to swap with him. I did realise that it meant that I had to stay 6 hours more in camp if I swapped with him, but I figured that even if I rejected it, he would still ask someone else, and that person would kena also, so might as well I take it.
So I did. When I did the Saturday duty, @@ mentioned, "Eh, I thought && is supposed to do today's duty? How come you do?"
I replied, "Orh, because he got something on today, so I swapped with him."
@@: "You dunno that Saturday duty you do half a day more? You tio chiak by && alrd."
Me: "It's ok lah, since that thing is important to him he'll ask someone else anyway, then that person will still have to swap with him what."
@@: "Wah you really like to do Saturday duty one ah. First time hear." (By then I was pretty pissed off)
haoyi: "That's because not all people just think only for themselves."
That was really encouraging for me, because yes, technically my argument for accepting the swap was based on maximising net utility for all, but actually accepting the swap meant that I, of all the other people doing Sunday duty, had to be the one who sacrifices half a day at home for some goddamned principle. And knowing that someone else believes in it too made me feel that I wasn't being an idiot. I will find the chance to pay it forward when I can.
That's of course not to say that I'll always follow what other people believe is right. But I think inside all of us, we have some idea of what is the right thing to do, but when action towards that principle comes at a cost of some personal sacrifice another voice tells us "why are you doing this? how does it benefit you? why must it be you and not someone else? is it really worth it?" At this point, external encouragement makes a difference because it lends credibility to the internal assertation that "yes, it is worth it, because this is the correct principle to follow."
After commissioning, I became a secretary for Army Open House. I was really busy, but it was really a satisfying job, because I was in a position where if I don't do anything, other people would be a lot more busy. I started to see the merits of delegation and the importance of proper tasking. I was exposed to a little bit of office politics. I saw the purpose of organisational charts, meetings, agendas, timelines, presentations, minutes, and forms. Now as I take a step back, I find it really breathetaking how the Chairman's vision unfolded with every Exco meeting and finally came to fruition at the Army Open House itself.
So those are some of the enriching and enlightening experiences at army.
Hopefully, by being exposed to people from different strata in the society, I can gain a broader perspective of things. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
The places I'm posted to are still pretty sheltered, so I can't say much. It is still a more diverse set of people than RJ though, so I can't say I learnt nothing either.
I agree that life in the military is not something everyone wants to experience, but then again, it's not something everyone gets to experience.- Yak @ 10 Jan 08
Go for the next Army Open House in 2011. Singapore Combat Engineers have set the bar really high this time round, so I'm pretty sure you'll get to do lots of cool stuff there by then.
We would go to university in the same year as Koh Zheng Ning!!! Doesn't that alone worth 2% of your lifespan? - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
OH YA HOR!
Hanging around with a new bunch of people is going to be a test of my social skills yet again. I shall try to do better than I have done before. If I succeed, it could be rewarding. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
I figured that maybe it's not so much of a lack of social skills than the fact that I'm really just not interested in talking about what most people are interested in talking about and I'm not interested in doing what most people are interested in doing? I'm sure the average popular guy would be in awkward silence in a party full of, say, Star Trek fans (I'm sure I would be too, LOL). Of course, socialising is not a choice for me because I need to know some people just in case, y'know, I need them one day, but it also doesn't mean that if I don't enjoy their company then something is wrong with me.
Maybe I'm still young and idealistic. NS has a proven track record for turning people into cynics, but well, at least if I do, when I read this post again, I get to laugh at myself! - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
In fact, army has made me even more idealistic! (though not more young) Actually, a lot of people cynnical about the army were already cynical from the start.
And I'm really glad that I gave myself a set of goals and perspectives for NS before I enlisted, so that it is easier for me to make a post ORD reflection, and has helped to make my NS journey one that is more meaningful than it has already been. Thank you Yak @ 10 Jan 08!
You're welcome. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08
Wait... WHAT?!
just kidding.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
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