Obligatory ORD reflection (albeit somewhat late)

MY FIRST BLOG POST AS A CIVILIAN(NSMAN)!

Before I enlisted, I wrote some stuff.

I'm hoping to take the two years in army as a chance to learn as much as possible. Although I wouldn't expect NS to be a bed of roses, I'm sure that it would be an enriching and enlightening experience. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08

And indeed it has been! How do I even begin? Let me first start off with enlistment. I enlisted with absolutely no expectations at all. No, wait, I expected it to be like RI Sec 1 orientation camp, which wasn't reasonable, and the PSLs(who themselves haven't been in army anyway) constantly told us that army would be worse. Now I'm not saying that they were lying or scaring us. What they said was probably true, because army AT THAT POINT IN TIME could have been less reasonable.

So I had a lot of imaginary fear that the commanders would anyhow tekan us for the slightest reason, and I think it screwed up my BMT recruit experience in a number of ways. Anyhow, I wasn't being a douchebag to anyone, so it was fine. I was pretty proactive and hardworking. And super uptight. For not much reason.

During BMT, I discovered that determination can only bring you so far. In my mind I wanted to believe that I can act altruistically, and most of the time I did behave like a "virtuous recruit", if there is such a term. I would pick up rubbish on the floor even if no one was around. I would clean the toilet if the previous guy who used it stained it. I would help people to fill their bottles during the rest times during route marches. Not remarkable or outstanding, but sometimes it required inner strength when I felt that I was doing more than my fair share, and someone else kept complaining about it.

I reached my threshold of "shit-tanking" during route march. For a bit of context, route marches are when you wear all your infantry gear with weapon and field pack and walk in a file for a certain distance, say 16km. You walk 4 km in about 45 minutes, then you get to rest for 15 minutes. During this 15 minutes you need to drink water, and after drinking you need to refill your bottle. Water refills are given in 19 litre jerry cans, and we found that the most efficient method is to get 4 guys to fill the bottles for everyone, while they all rested. People filling the bottles have to squat or kneel for almost the entire 15 minutes, so their legs don't get as much rest(which matters).

Now in the BMT platoon there are about 40 to 50 people, so you would expect that if everyone got their fair share of work, each person would only be filling bottles 10% of the time, right? But during the 16km march, I filled bottles after the first 4km, and also after the 8th km because I happened to be in the front row. At the 12 km I still happened to be in the front row with a jerry can in front on me, and everyone just passed their bottles forward. I asked if anyone hadn't filled bottles before, but nobody admitted. As the bottles accumulated in front of me I became "obliged" to fill the bottles, and I grudgingly filled them anyway. I was pretty sore after that, so for the 24 km march I didn't volunteer to fill the bottles at any interval.

The whole point of the story is: I was not longer the "virtuous man" when I was tired and blistered and aching, and I made a big deal about something like filling bottles, which normally wouldn't have mattered.

OCS Service term when when I started to feel that unreasonable expectations started coming in. Of course, there were all the recruit expectation: Your bunk had to be always clean. You must not talk in a file. But in BMT it was easier to manage, because there is usually 15 minutes reaction time from bunk to ground floor. In service term, you have about 2 to 5 minutes to react to anything. Maybe it's for a lesson. Maybe someone wants to talk to us. Maybe someone did something wrong and everyone's getting punished for it. At the same time our bunks were supposed to be clean, our drying yards tidy, and we cannot talk in a file just to find out what the hell was going on.

Well, supposed to be. Actually, many people didn't care. Lots of people took the risk and left their bunks in whatever state it was in. Occasionally people talked in a file, and generally got away with it because nobody was looking. Perhaps because I missed a lot of in-file convos, I was kinda outcasted in service term. I don't exactly remember the circumstances, but I did recall that often there were so many requirements on us, we had no choice but to cut corners somewhere. And when the instructors chose to inspect something and found that it wasn't done by everyone, it's usually "How come they can do this and you cannot? You special is it?" There is no telling what they would choose to inspect.

Then, I thought I had learnt a lesson: Sometimes rules have to be broken. Now as I reflect upon it further, I realise that there was actually no lesson to be learnt. The instructors just didn't know that it was too much for us, so no matter what, someone was going to get punished for cutting corners and it's nobody's fault. Or perhaps, the actual meta-lesson is: Shit happens. Get over it.

I wasn't a good cadet during service term. I was quite blur and less fit than most people in OCS, so lots of people helped me along, but it was both a physically and mentally tough period especially since I didn't have the social support or "friendships forged with fire" that many people claimed to have gotten during OCS. It's not that I didn't try, but my interests just don't overlap with many people's. My obsession with not talking in a file didn't help much. I'm really glad to be able to make it through that period.

On one occassion, the whole wing got punished for something I can't remember. After the punishment, the wing commander gathered us around him, and asked, "All of you close your eyes."
And we did.
"How many of you felt that something wasn't right? Raise your hands."
(I didn't feel that anything was wrong, so I didn't raise my hand.)
"Now open your eyes."
About 10-20% of the wing raised their hands.

I can't remember what the wing commander said after that, but the image and message was stuck deeply in me: Voicing out against the status quo is particularly difficult, because it often seems that you are alone and powerless. But you might actually be voicing out what other people are also thinking. If you have a good reason to voice something out, chances are someone else would agree with you, and even if nobody agrees with you, you have done nothing wrong.

Next I became a combat engineer officer cadet in pro term! It was somewhat better than service term, since it required more brain cells. In service term, after booking out I just wanted to sleep, nurse my injuries and talk to people before dragging my blistered feet to SAFTI MI. During pro term however, I actually had enough energy to read some books, which is pretty nice.

But there were also some selfish people. During pro term, we had to serve guard duty, and some of us are given weekend duties. Sundays and Saturdays are considered by the system to be equivalent, but actually, you stay in camp for half a day more when you do Saturday duty than Sunday duty, so people usually prefer Sunday duty. For that weekend, I had the fortune to be scheduled Sunday duty. But someone who was scheduled Saturday duty on that day had a prize presentation ceremony, and he asked me to swap with him. I did realise that it meant that I had to stay 6 hours more in camp if I swapped with him, but I figured that even if I rejected it, he would still ask someone else, and that person would kena also, so might as well I take it.

So I did. When I did the Saturday duty, @@ mentioned, "Eh, I thought && is supposed to do today's duty? How come you do?"
I replied, "Orh, because he got something on today, so I swapped with him."
@@: "You dunno that Saturday duty you do half a day more? You tio chiak by && alrd."
Me: "It's ok lah, since that thing is important to him he'll ask someone else anyway, then that person will still have to swap with him what."
@@: "Wah you really like to do Saturday duty one ah. First time hear." (By then I was pretty pissed off)
haoyi: "That's because not all people just think only for themselves."

That was really encouraging for me, because yes, technically my argument for accepting the swap was based on maximising net utility for all, but actually accepting the swap meant that I, of all the other people doing Sunday duty, had to be the one who sacrifices half a day at home for some goddamned principle. And knowing that someone else believes in it too made me feel that I wasn't being an idiot. I will find the chance to pay it forward when I can.

That's of course not to say that I'll always follow what other people believe is right. But I think inside all of us, we have some idea of what is the right thing to do, but when action towards that principle comes at a cost of some personal sacrifice another voice tells us "why are you doing this? how does it benefit you? why must it be you and not someone else? is it really worth it?" At this point, external encouragement makes a difference because it lends credibility to the internal assertation that "yes, it is worth it, because this is the correct principle to follow."

After commissioning, I became a secretary for Army Open House. I was really busy, but it was really a satisfying job, because I was in a position where if I don't do anything, other people would be a lot more busy. I started to see the merits of delegation and the importance of proper tasking. I was exposed to a little bit of office politics. I saw the purpose of organisational charts, meetings, agendas, timelines, presentations, minutes, and forms. Now as I take a step back, I find it really breathetaking how the Chairman's vision unfolded with every Exco meeting and finally came to fruition at the Army Open House itself.

So those are some of the enriching and enlightening experiences at army.

Hopefully, by being exposed to people from different strata in the society, I can gain a broader perspective of things. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08

The places I'm posted to are still pretty sheltered, so I can't say much. It is still a more diverse set of people than RJ though, so I can't say I learnt nothing either.

I agree that life in the military is not something everyone wants to experience, but then again, it's not something everyone gets to experience.- Yak @ 10 Jan 08

Go for the next Army Open House in 2011. Singapore Combat Engineers have set the bar really high this time round, so I'm pretty sure you'll get to do lots of cool stuff there by then.

We would go to university in the same year as Koh Zheng Ning!!! Doesn't that alone worth 2% of your lifespan? - Yak @ 10 Jan 08

OH YA HOR!

Hanging around with a new bunch of people is going to be a test of my social skills yet again. I shall try to do better than I have done before. If I succeed, it could be rewarding. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08

I figured that maybe it's not so much of a lack of social skills than the fact that I'm really just not interested in talking about what most people are interested in talking about and I'm not interested in doing what most people are interested in doing? I'm sure the average popular guy would be in awkward silence in a party full of, say, Star Trek fans (I'm sure I would be too, LOL). Of course, socialising is not a choice for me because I need to know some people just in case, y'know, I need them one day, but it also doesn't mean that if I don't enjoy their company then something is wrong with me.

Maybe I'm still young and idealistic. NS has a proven track record for turning people into cynics, but well, at least if I do, when I read this post again, I get to laugh at myself! - Yak @ 10 Jan 08

In fact, army has made me even more idealistic! (though not more young) Actually, a lot of people cynnical about the army were already cynical from the start.

And I'm really glad that I gave myself a set of goals and perspectives for NS before I enlisted, so that it is easier for me to make a post ORD reflection, and has helped to make my NS journey one that is more meaningful than it has already been. Thank you Yak @ 10 Jan 08!

You're welcome. - Yak @ 10 Jan 08

Wait... WHAT?!

just kidding.